NON DREAM LIVING
She was an angel in the skin of a beast that always dreamed of finding another angel. Therefore she was confused, in her madness of solitude, and she thought the demons it was angels. But them, instead, was going
butchering her. In her confusion she believed to live a reality that was nothing more than an no-dream, from which she always woke up with horror. When she thought she had found love, she baptized her partner with the name of “Angel,” but the word does not make man, however much she would call him “angel,” she lacked the power to make him such. For this reason the awakening was against an opaque and dark body, a cursed of spectre, who pushed her towards the bed and abused her soul. Not with a lighted creature, like she imagined.
An image came to her mind, it was Angel’s skinhead, peeped into the window and there it was. He was accompanied by another woman, called the doorbell of the building opposite, and opened a huge door for which they should go up. Where were they going? Probably to the room that gave to its only window, that of the higher building, which covered the sunlight.
The interior of that place, one could guess through the sequels that the experiences of its tenants, they let see through the holes of its huge windows. Sofi could only see the vague images, which escaped by those dirty, but sumptuous crystals. The building was of modernist style.
A props of leather was insinuated in a corner, although it was his imagination, which orchestrated and recomposeded the whole scene. She could hardly see anything clearly. She felt the power of Angel’s gaze, through the opaque velvet curtains, as if she were observing her with X-ray vision. But was it a dream?
In the mornings she used to feel agitated to wake up, as if she has been awake all night, busy, active. She felt terribly tired, sleepy, as if she had not slept. The only way to get rid of it was to share her bed with a sexually active partner. Which gave her an extra plus of fatigue, but this time gratifying.
It was the perfect therapy to be able to leave the vomiting of his subconscious cornered. The carnal ecstasy was for her a direct passage. It allowed her to leave her mind blank and reach Nirvana, through toll-roads. What was the price of that toll? Her youth, which was consumed, as she went into exotic paths, which did not lead her anywhere.
It was the useless pursuit of the ideal lover. A fight between female dogs in zeal, for the handsome boy. By the alpha male. But the thing didn’t usually end in marriage, but in disputes. At least, unless the princess’s parents were millionaires. For the rest of the mob, reality was not like fairy tales. The “Principal-dick ” or rather the ” Dick-prince”, did not used to make up with a single princess. For what?, having so much where to choose, and all those nice girl, splitting the ass to catch him.
These men, arrogant and overestimated, ended up giving in to the extreme youth, the dollar or the arts of the most obsessive and obstinate women. Predatory spiders, who were struggling to death for them, and once they were tied up, were slowly sucking them out. They snatched their lives, without them noticing, inoculating them the sweet poison of lying.
But to be “alpha”, it was not necessary for them to be especially gifted. They knew how do it well. They make the world believe, that they were exceptional. Some of them, the most unfortunate, used to be left to their fate after having reproduced, once consumed, without illusion or self-esteem: fattened, bald or aged.
It was then that the Spider, if her still retained its power, she will put her eye on another prey. Her victims, her men: would pay religiously every month for their child support, and to have to settle for the affection of the offspring, who would see them with luck, in assigned schedules and days. In this way the bliss of the Alpha was transformed into its own curse, unless it were a true scoundrel.
The lack of empathy was the key. In such high degrees, that with the evolution of the last century, they came to be close to the psychopathy. Even if on a physical level, the alpha was nothing of the other world. If his gaze was secure and haughty, his dependence not existent, his gaze bewitching, or his voice thunderous, it was enough to have at his fingertips all the women he wanted. This one used to envelop himself an aura of mystery.
Most extreme cases, it ended up into BDSM. In short: only the men who killed their affections and empathies survived, unable to see reality, alienated by their ego, and to some extent, been converted to the prevailing emotional sadism. It was a ruthless and predatory universe, in which: Or you devourate or you are devoured.
Sofí did not belived the fake tale, and although her life it was sometimes pushed towards the precipices of that context. She was always battered, like a Quixote who was fighting against giants who was mills.
Sofi was a piece of the puzzle that refused to fit in, to the cost of her own conviction. His idea of love, it was far from that universe of beasts. It was as if suddenly someone had introduced her into a viper’s nest, and she had to adapt to his rules to survive. Or as if she has been born incarnate like a snake without knowing it.
Snake, Spider, what’s the difference? The fact is that sometimes she felt as if itinhabited the skin of a beast without wanting to inhabit it, surrounded by beasts, with an evolved spiritual remnant. With a great heart that led her to want to forgive, sacrifice, understand, love. But at every attempt suffered a bite or sting. After the aggression, she would awaken his animal instincts, rage, instinct to attack. And that is where reality became sotangled: she was not beast nor Angel. She ceased to recognize herself and to love herself:
She
becamed furious against the mirrors, self-harm and lost his identity
completely. It was the reason she always ran away from the others. To be able
to listen to herself, to be herself, to maintain her balance. To remember or
rediscover who really she was.
Life as a couple was not a help, not at least in that context, it was just a freeway to despair.
And yet in time, the competition of the growing number of women, and the small number of men, was such that Sofi had to decrease her exigence in a dramatic way, to end up with guys who looked rather retarded mentally.
And the worst of it was that she deceived herself, to such an extent, that he imagined eccentricities in attitudes, which were not the result of rebellion, but of pure stupidity. Coming to fall in love momentarily of authentic sillies with airs of grandeur. To top it off, they treated her, worse than some used espadrilles. It was madness, as if she had suddenly descended from the altar all the floral offerings and had been thrown to the pigs as food, once trampled.
She was
an angel in the skin of a beast that always dreamed of finding another angel.
Therefore she was confused, in her madness of solitude, and she thought the
demons it was angels. But them, instead, was going
butchering her. In her confusion she believed to live a reality that was nothing more than an no-dream, from which she always woke up with horror. When she thought she had found love, she baptized her partner with the name of “Angel,” but the word does not make man, however much she would call him “angel,” she lacked the power to make him such. For this reason the awakening was against an opaque and dark body, a cursed of spectre, who pushed her towards the bed and abused her soul. Not with a lighted creature, like she imagined.
Fatally she had returned to fall in love, had
rechristened him as an angel. This one had bright eyes like stars, able to
catch the most elusive of the looks. It was not essentially high, nor of sturdy
build, but it was hard and fibered. He had a kind of aversion to hair, saying
that he remembered his primitive animal origin. He shaved his head and all the
body, which gave him an air that made him less atractive as first impression.
It was once, after falling into their nets, when she began to fall on his jaw,
he inoculate the sweet poison of seduction. He pretend entlessly his divine
side, and focused on his spiritual part. The animal’s hair was torn off, and in
the ritual, it was reborn in the form of demigod. But so much contempt for
animals, he did nothing but betray and hide his contempt for emotional
dependence and affection as well.
He had tattooed strange symbols on his arms, legs and chest, which he used as a pretext to shave. “You don’t want me to let the hair ruin these costly works of art.”
He also had pierced ears, nose, penis and navel. He was stillunable to get Sofi to imitate him, and he renegade like agrumpy Smurf, every time he accessed his densely populated pubic garden. He said: “Try it, you’ll see that past, we’ll enjoy as never.” For the rest, his soul was rewise, likethat of a ripe fellow, but his appearance was youthful. He must have been in years, but he didn’t seem to be at all.Cranial shaving contributed, disguised as possible baldness, gray hair and other signs of age.
Sofi, she thought of him, when the old song of “A Shady Angel”of Chucho was played on the radio.
Someone ringed the bell, it was angel, he brought a pet with him. There would have been no reason for Sofi to react so badly to that animal, except that it was totally hairless as the owner. It was a Python snake, which was not too big, but it moved like no one.
“It’s like my cock,” said Angel, who played with it.
-Come caress her, do not be a little girl, i am sure you both it become friends. It is so soft, with the thumb and the index arched, up and down, like you was making me a straw
-Each day, you are more obscene, why not try to be the same as when I met you.
-For what, if that’s good for us, don’t you think, doll.
-Why did you bring that bug?
-To live with us, in our nest of love, it will be like our daughter, I noticed you distant these days and I thought that Serena, the snake, could make you some company. If you give it a live rat in the long run, you don’t even know it’s it between us. No piss, no shit, no hair. It’s a very clean animal, it’s never clear where it does it. The only thing you can stumble into is one of their skins, but that happens only from time to time.
-What if I wake up one day and find that I have it curled up in bed?
-Well I only ask you not to confuse with my penis, Jajajaj
-Don’t be a beast, you can look what you do with that poor animal, but I want it to disappear from here tomorrow without fail.
-You start being as my “ex”, when we leave women alone, they became the owners of the house. It is as if one could not live his life without the women put their noses.
-You know I’m in favor of everyone having their space, almost as much as you, but I can’t stand the idea of living with a snake like this, it’s a dangerous animal.
-Yes, but remember who is paying the bills lately.
-Sometimes I think you’re not as different as I thought…
-Different from what, my dear.
-I do not know I have come to mind my father’s figure, he used to hold power, chose television programs, decided what we had to eat, and enjoyed full and complete authority. My mother consented it with the excuse that he spent a lotof time out and sacrificed for all of us. Although she actually sacrificed as much as he did and hated her role as a housewife.
“And what are you trying to imply?”
-Nothing, I just remembered my family. Then she began to cry. His parents had been masters of love and affection. Despite coming from a brownish lineage and having followed life manuals and beliefs adulterated by a slave system. They had been shigning with terrible affection. They wholly delivered to her childhood. Sacrificing themselves, to keep their family roots firm and to protect their ancestors and descendants. There were no castles, no fortunes, no kingdoms. His legacy was not material, but spiritual. It was based on giving children a good education, taking their care in such a devout way, that the role of “parenting” turned in love fundamentalism.
His childhood had passed in a grey building in a working-class neighborhood of Argentina. His father, although he had the philosophy chair, could never get a job according to his training, or go over from a miserable salary.
Sofí felt, not only the loss of his loved ones and the distance, but also the longing of the affection and closeness of her family. What was most repelent of him was that he was not only incapable of showing affection, but also, sometimes, he was cynical about her for no reason whatsoever. Maybe it was because he was jealous, but of what? or whose? Sofí had long since stopped looking at other men. He instead seemed as if he were eternally angry with her, and his conduct seemed to obey the low self-esteem.
-What is that paper you hold in your hand?
-It is a text, I wrote it this morning, now in a while I will read it to you…